The One Where I Want To Cry

This post is probably not going to make a lot of sense, it's not going to win awards, it probalby won't be the best post I have ever written, but I always said that I wanted this blog to be more like a journal - for my family to look back on and know what was happening around us. Unfortunately, I have gotten out of the habit of writing what is going on, from an awesome journal-ish perspective, and have found myself only sending out posts of major events in our life.

I really just felt I needed to document my feelings today. I have this great friend - I count her as a friend, I have no idea what she thinks of me as, as we don't talk on the phone, or text - our sole communication is over the internet anymore, and we met under some intersting circumstances. But honestly, words could never express my crazy weird pull to this girl. She is hilarious, she's funny, she's awkward (in a good way), she is spiritual, and she and I have had some interstingly related experiences in our lives - both of us had a parent going through cancer at the same time. I truly look up to her, and I hope she knows that.

Over a year ago, this friend of mine lost her baby girl when she was almost full term. The baby was born alive, but with no brain activity, and it was up to this friend of mine, who seemed way too young to have to make this decision, to decide to pull their baby off of life support and sit with her in the wee hours of the morning as she passed from this world to the next. I literally cried for weeks at random times of the day for such a loss. I can only imagine what that must have felt like, or how the pain would almost consume you. It gave me perspective on my sweet and loving, but honestly sometimes crazy, children. I didn't want to be pregnant when I got pregnant. Not either time. It was like the most fleeting thought would come to mind of "oh maybe a baby soon would be okay" followed quickly by "nevermind because of  . . . (long list)" and then two weeks later I would be looking at the lines on a stick. Hearing of a friend, or of anyone, who has to experience the loss of a child, makes me regret that I ever had those thoughts, it makes me love my kids a little more, makes me want to spend a little more time around them, a little more time with them.

At the time I couldn't imagine going through what she was, I still can't. I just remember that I kept thinking "she's too young for this", "when did we get so old", "this is something only old parents have to deal with" etc, etc. there has not been a week go by that I have not thought of her since. I have kept in contact with her, done my best to be a friend to her, and truly rejoiced with her when I heard a few months ago about their second pregnancy. I was elated for her to be pregnant again, and to be able to feel the joys of motherhood in this life. I was happy when she found out it was a boy, unsure how I personally would have felt if I had been in her shoes, if it had been a girl. I have been actively reading her blog and hearing her excitement grow for this new baby boy that woudl soon join their family. Seeing pictures of blankets she was making, getting ready for a nursery again, and finally seeing some hope come through in her posts of a positive outcome.

My mind set had always been, that baby girl must have been amazing, she must have already been perfect. This is proven by the fact that all she had to do was come here and receive a body, she's back in heaven, where we all want to be, and what a guiding light to follow. To always want to be the best you can to return to be with her. How blessed I would feel, obviously through years of pain, to be the parent of such a perfect child, that God saw me fit enough to be her mother. I'm not saying I want this to happen to me, I truly don't know that I would survive the ordeal like my friend has. I'm not sure I could stay as strong as she has, and that is how I know she is an amazing person. I would never wish this on anyone, ever, but through all the pain, there is light.

This afternoon, I got a call from my mother, telling me of a family medical emergency that had happned, I'm not wanting currently to go into much more detail than that, as I don't know a lot about the sitation yet. However, I was feeling down and sad, and shocked to the core about what had happened to such a close family member.

I made my way down to the office, as my kids were both taking naps, and I was hoping to get some homework done as I usually do. Facebook was up on the computer - it usually is. I have to say that I am addicted, slightly, to hearing of great and amazing things happening in other's lives, although I rarely post anything too important myself.

Immediately on the screen was a picture of a tiny baby boy with a crocheted hat on his head. His eyes were closed. I saw the poster, and immediately my heart sank. It was my friend. She is not due until weeks after me, I knew that if this was her baby, at the very least he would be in NICU for some time. I saw the name, the sweet sweet name that she had just recently informed the blogging world they had picked for their son. I was hopeful, and prayerful, I literally crossed my fingers that when I clicked on her name to view her page that I would see good news, that the baby as born very early, and was struggling, but was alive in the NICU. And then I saw her page, filled with condolences from loving friends and families. Far down the page was the post I had missed over the weekend, informing us of the loss of their second baby, a boy who was born still.

I immediately started crying and thinking "oh no no no, not again". But the words on the page made it impossible to deny. My heart hurt, it literally ached for my friend. I knew there was no way I could ever understand the loss of one baby, but the loss of two? It was incomprehensible. I have not even heard of someone losing two babies that far into their pregnancies, much less known the person.

This post is not meant to inform the world of her loss, which is why I will not post her name. It's not meant to sadden lives, or make myself out to be some incredible writer. In all honesty, if no one reads this post, that is fine. I am writing this post only for myself. To rememeber my friend, every time I read it. To remember her, and her faith, and her beautiful, beautiful life. To remember to cherish my children, even if they did come at times I wasn't expecting. To hold them tighter, and love them more in this life, because I can, and there are others who don't get that ability.

This post is for me to remember my friend. To remember what an amazing example she is to me. Someone who isn't her best friend, or even her second best friend, I'm far down the list, I am sure - but she is the best example of a beautiful person, with an amazing soul, and such a guiding influence for me. She is proof, that even at my age, we can be great, we can achieve greatness. She is proof to me of a loving Heavenly Father, that he knows us, that He has amazing things in store for her, and I can't wait to see what her life will bring. I can honestly say that I fully expect to see her as a General Authority before I die. I am constantly amazed by her. And my thoughts, prayers, and tears are being sent her direction.

It brings Elder Uchtdorf's talk from the Spring conference this year back to mind, a poem I posted when we were dealing with Preslie's diagnosis:
"Until today I wasn't sure, just how much I could endure. But now I know, with thanks to you, I'm stronger than I ever knew."

We may not always understand God's plan for our life, but there is a part of me that can't wait until I get to the other side and can see things from his perspective, with his all knowing, and all-seing eyes, and His love.